Kelvedon Hatch Secret Nuclear Bunker

I took my husband here for a secret birthday adventure day out to the not so secret nuclear bunker.
This place is like a quintessential English day out. It’s fabulous. The bunker itself is hidden away on a huge stretch of land that also serves as an airsoft site, so we were able to take the dog and give her a good run before leaving her in the car. (The tour around takes about an hour and it wasn’t even a vaguely warm day. Before anyone worries…)
You enter the bunker through the front; it was designed as a bungalow so not to arouse suspicions. It’s a pretty ugly bungalow though. ;) It’s declared that you *have* to take one of the audio wands through and that you can’t commit to the tour without one. I’m not entirely sure the reasoning behind that and the audio tour is. Well, it’s in depth. Perhaps a little too in depth and I found I was just standing in corners trying desperately to hear what was being said over the other people in the room. I gave up after ⁹⁄₂₄.
You pay at the end of the tour aswell. £7.50 cash in the honesty box by the till at the canteen.
The place is filled with what would have been high tech gear for the era and some fascinating communication devices as well as air filtration pump rooms, dorms, sick bay and some terrifying models of Margaret Thatcher.
There is some defiantly British signage going on, honesty boxes and the canteen at the end selling rainbow rubbers and marbles, Mars bars, soup and tea and cakes. It’s like it all the old trips I used to do as a kid over the holidays.
Apparently guide/​scout troops can even do sleep overs there. Pretty jealous of that to be honest.
You are only allowed to take pictures on the inside if you buy a permit from the canteen first, before entering the bunker. They’re £5. Bleurgh.
Obviously the people who run this place as super passionate about it and it’s very well kept and informative and totally worth while. It’s only £7.50 (cash only) to enter and I will definitely be going back again!

As soon as I heard about this place, I knew I had to go. Firstly because I love «secret» shit — if you put the word «secret» before anything it instantly makes it a million times better. Secondly, I fucking love nuclear war — it scares the shit out of me and has been responsible for influencing some of the best punk and d-​beat music of the last 30 years, as well as some low grade science fiction. And lastly, I will fuck with anything around the zone of Epping Forest /​Ongar as it’s a breeding ground for madness. Anyway, it was a rainy day and I took the EOR up to Ongar and decided to walk my way to the bunker. Google maps said it was only an hour and I was in no rush, so set off on foot. A few pools of mud, patches of wet grass, several dead badgers, near deaths from windy roads and a garden centre later I reached a point where no pedestrian could go any further. I guess they built this bunker for a reason so no fucker could simply stumble upon it by accident on a nice country walk. So don’t almost kill yourself like I did and just get a cab instead. A car came and picked me up promptly from the garden centre nearby (wicked Peppermint tea in there btw) and I was at the bunker in 5 minutes (big up Ongar car services!). When I arrived I saw what looked like an uninviting cottage /​bungalow type thing which is the entrance to the bunker, though you would literally have no fucking idea if it wasn’t for a few hand written signs about the place. I went inside and grabbed an orange phone from the deserted reception — make sure you get this as it tells you about the rooms and gives you a tour and a route to walk around the bunker. As I descended down the corridor going further underground, I’m not going to lie to you, this was probably the most excited I’ve ever been in my entire life and I felt like an absolute badman. This takes you to the bottom of the bunker where you begin your tour. From this point I won’t spoil too much as you really need to see it for yourself, all I’ll say is that this place is fucking massive so give yourself about an hour and a half for a proper go at it. Also it is really fucking deep underground too and you won’t have any phone reception as a result of this, so make sure you let any sociopathic sex partners or sick relatives you have know you are going beforehand, just incase they get stressed out because they can’t contact you. My favourite bits were the medical bay and the TV studio, where all the politicians would have been broadcasting from to the outside world as we were being boiled alive and melted into liquid disease — what a bunch of cunts eh? Check out the café on the way out too, it’s wicked and smells like a school canteen. I had vegetable soup for 2 quid which tasted like saltwater and was thoroughly enjoyable. Oh and I saw some chickens on the way out too which was a nice bonus (I love chickens), but can’t guarantee these will be there on your visit. Cheers.

Rainy day in the school holidays so we decided to visit the not so Secret Bunker having seen the signs to it on previous visits to the local area.
Well it was well worth the visit. Definately use the audio guide its very helpful.
Found it very weird, very informative and quite strange. Reminded me of the late 80’s and early 90’s when we were all really concerned about a nuclear war.
Definately take a jacket as its quite chilly all those feet under ground.
You can hire the place for a private function which would be fantastic.
Only saw 1 member of staff whilst there — they rely a lot on honesty boxes. There was a canteen but it was self service, did have quite a range of sweets and snacks.
Bumped into the owner on the way out — very nice gentleman.
I would recommend it to anyone for a interesting day out. I found it good value for money too.

I was in my friends car one night driving around quite randomly as we often do, and we were hoping to find something exciting, something unusual, something almost conspiratorial. Because that’s what guys do — we drive around like we’re in our own spy movie, or like we’re police officers. We find life pretty boring and we want to find that something a bit… special. A bit rare.
So imagine our surprise when driving through middle of nowhereville when we saw… you guessed it… a sign for a SECRET NUCLEAR BUNKER! This is what all guys dream of! What could be better than finding a nuclear bunker! We rushed over there, desperate to see it. It didn’t occur to us that at 3am it might be closed.
So we went back another time.
This place is amazing. Right there, in the middle of a load of fields in Essex lies a disused nuclear bunker. This was built just after the war; in case of a Nuclear Attack. It was a place the government could go and continue their work, I imagine, while the rest of us got radioactive poisoning.
Anyways, the place was decommissioned a few years ago and now it is open to the public. You have to go! It’s great. There are a load of levels, going deeper and deeper underground… and they used to do all sorts of stuff down here; and they have these little beds, and these hundreds of computers.
It’s just an endlessly fascinating place which is now privately owned. It is almost too strange to be true. Whoever you are, whatever your interests… check this place out, absolutely crazy. And the guy who now privately owns it is usually in the snack bar (which you reach at the end) and is happy to discuss the place whilst selling you a Pot Noodle and a Kit Kat.

Tucked away in the Essex countryside is this no-​longer-​so-​secret nuclear bunker. Where as previously this would have been exclusive to the higher powers of the country when someone decided to drop a big nasty bomb on Britain, anyone can now go and have a look around.
From outside you can’t tell what it’s going to be like — it goes deep underground and there is a whole range of things that the government would have used while everyone else was slowly dying thanks to the nuclear fall out!
There is an audio guided tour that you get all around the bunker telling you interesting facts about the place.
It’s a facinating day out and I can’t recommend it highly enough!