The Moon Under Water

Look, it’s a Wetherspoons. The beer is cheap (super cheap for London) and by default has a good selection of beers (at least bottled). However, this particular venue is uninviting, very tired and was, well, gritty. As in the floor had grit on it — not literally everywhere to be fair to them, but still. It’s right by the Balham tube, and to be honest is a very easy option for a quick, cheap drink. I wouldn’t stay here for more than one though. There wasn’t much seating available, and it was loud and busy around 5pm on a week day. I assume it’s busy most of the day considering how cheap it is. I gave the place 2 stars purely based on that!

Another classic spoons pub. This has a feel of an old time boozer, it is a bit out of place when compared to other places in Balham, but it does what all spoons do, serve cheap drinks.

I went to Balham by mistake a while ago, on a mind-​broadening South London date (Hi, Mary. Sorry about all that). Never again. Actually, the date was fine but — in my eagerness — I got there an hour early and decided to while away the time in the Moon Under Water.
Oh my God.
You know when you see those TV documentaries on the socially-​disadvantaged and you ask yourself «Why do I never see these people in real life?»… well, the answer is: because they’re all in the Moon Under Bleedin Water in Balham. In my day-​to-​day life, I sometimes fear that I will be mugged for my watch. Very occasionally, I fear that someone has their eye on my pint. But this was the only time I have ever sensed people preparing to butcher me for my bag of crisps.
The beer’s fine. Actually, it’s very good — and all at £1.19 a pint or something daft. Hence, I suspect, the category of fellow-​imbiber.
The staff, who might have been getting paid about £1.19 an hour for their efforts, were clearly too drugged or lazy to do anything as taxing as pick up any glasses, so the place was a sea of empties, surveyed by dewy-​eyed old men who had pissed in their trews.
I would normally never regard Balham High Road as a good bet for my personal safety but, compared to this hell-​hole, Helmand Province would have been a doddle…

With any Wetherspoons you have to take them as they come. Some are acceptable, some are actually quite nice and some a dreadful. Sadly for Balham this incarnation falls into the latter classification.
It feels tense and hostile in there; sticky (red bull no doubt), dirty and dark. It’s one of those pubs that the smoking ban has had a detrimental effect on as the smell of smoke hid the smell of old drunk men and red bull.
Sure it’s cheap and the bar staff were nice (well to me; they are more assertive to the people that aren’t allowed anything else to drink); but you just have to limits on the levels you’ll go to just to have a pint for under 2 quid.
I remember that they showed the football in there; this is pretty unusual for a wetherspoons, so I suppose I should put that as plus point.
Consider other venues until this place has improved.

I came in here to meet a friend, who was drinking here because Orwell once claimed that if he was to imagine his perfect pub, he would call it the moon under water. It sounds better than it is. Smack bang in the middle of Balham high road, a stones throw from the tube, and offering cheap booze and food, you’d be forgiven from popping in for a quick pint.
Don’t. It’s just not that nice. Slightly hostile and tacky is the best I can say for it, though I must say there are times when balham’s host of gastro-​pubs gets too much, and a simpler boozer is required. I just can’t believe it’s this one.