George E McDonald Hall of Justice

Ever have to endure sitting through what you think is going to be a completely dreary ordeal, but ends up being kick-​ass entertainment instead? Welcome, my friends, to Dept. 303 in the afternoon at the George E. MacDonald Hall of Justice in Alameda. This is where a group of sad sack minors and whatever accompanying parent or guardian they can beg, bribe or kidnap are forced to attend by law so they can discuss what stupid thing they did that put them in front of a kind judge (or commissioner) for a primarily traffic-​related or trespassing offense to begin with. These offenses range from the fairly mildly stupid brain farts to the «did that kid’s parents allow him to snack on paint chips as a child?» idiotic ones.
I got to be one of those «begged» guardian parents today. My thirteen year old son was there with three other friends all possessing the same «no basic common sense» impulses. This is because they were not wearing helmets while showing off their usual skateboard antics in plain sight of Alameda Traffic cops whom the boys thought wouldn’t notice or care (WTF?). Rule #1: APD Traffic cops almost always notice, and even if they don’t, they care enough to hand out citations like they are coveted COD police benefit raffle tickets.
I guess the boys had rehearsed their testimonies, and were all in solidarity over what they were going to say (which begs anyone’s suspicion right away.*duh*). So, when I had pizza last night with my son and one of the other accused, they seemed to be laughing the whole matter off. They were all so completely full of themselves until I said «Ya’ know, I’m prepared to be in complete agreement with the judge here.» And, well, they had just been stupidly skateboarding without helmets just before we gathered for dinner and it was time to remind them that even non «losers» do die without helmets. It sure was fun to see them quake a little here since my boy’s friend’s father was clearly not in the loop for his next day in court.
Back to the court… it was fairly apparent that my son’s sweet little motley crew were by far the youngest in the group. Damn, note to self: I need to feed my boy less since he stands about at least a foot taller then the other three, and with a voice that dropped some time ago. Dammit I should not have taken all of those prenatal vitamins! They all could be in the system because of his size alone! I could see the judge eye-​balling him a bit, but since it was clearly a group skateboarding blunder, the judge was very cool.
All four got the first option for a dismissal. What ensued after that was far more entertaining because of the other attending older kids’ offenses.
Judge to mom of a soon-​to-​be-​19 year old boy and obvious BAD driver:
«Well, he’s had three moving violations in the last month, and he’s done traffic school, and community service. You may want to revisit whether he should be driving at all for a spell. If he’s sure he wants to plead not guilty, then his court date will be xx/​xx/​2008…»
Judge to teen-​aged girl over trespassing into a closed park to get to the side gate of her apartment complex via her usual shortcut. Plausible, right? Except she had a companion boyfriend taking the same short cut for a very long time by the same trespassing side of the gate. Hmmm…
«Well, how about 15 hours community service but I think the extra exercise to get to the front entrance will not do any harm to anyone.»
Hands-​down attention-​whore award went to this very big, likely Samoan American kid who had the biggest, natural ‘Fro of the century. Everyone in the court was cracking up over it. He was in trouble for not using the crosswalks and just crossing the street around the school wherever he felt like it. Just his ‘fro getting across the street no doubt caused traffic jams. Amazing, just trying to watch a movie behind someone like this alone helped kill the style in the 70’s but here it was. I can’t even find a pic’ of a natural ‘fro to do it justice. This is kind of in that range:
Judge to all minors not abiding by the helmet law: «It’s not just for bicycles, you see. Any wheeled vehicle that you propel or somehow magically propels itself while you ride it qualifies as that sort of vehicle. If you are under 18, you must wear a helmet…»
Like I said, it was an ordeal that turned out to be highly entertaining. Once was enough for me as a parent, however…