Austin Monthly’s Bachelor Issue Release Party

When Melissa A. posted a link to Austin Monthly’s Bachelor Issue Release Party (benefiting Austin Pets Alive), I pretty much knew I was going as soon as I saw 1.) The bachelors; and 2.) Grey Goose was a sponsor. It was a whopping $ 10 per ticket. So, let me get this straight: For a meager $ 10, I will be hanging out with the fabulous Melissa A., treated to tasty treats and libations, am provided the opportunity to judge what everyone would be wearing, AND watch tipsy ladies bid on handsome Austin bachelors… all for a good cause? And *I* get to dress up, too? Don’t ever let a militant atheist convince you there is no God, because that is EXACTLY what I wrote on a prayer request card at church just two weeks earlier.
I arrived at the Bob Bullock Museum a bit earlier than the 7:30 «doors open» time, but as luck would have it Melissa had too, and she ushered me up to join her at the sign in table. I also met Jessie, and she and I read through the pre-​planned dates the winning bidders would be embarking upon with the bachelors (they ranged from hill country ziplining to a whirlwind 2^nd Street experience). A woman with blue hair caught my eye earlier, and I remember thinking she was someone I wanted to get to know. Fortunately, she was Melissa’s friend Dena, and she immediately complimented my outfit. Done; I loved them both.
Once inside, the ladies snagged a table right next to the runway, and it took every ounce of restraint for me not to jump on it and do a walk and turn. We mingled in shifts, two at a time. The setup in the lobby of the museum was fantastic: it was a spacious, modern, unpretentious set up (the furniture was unpretentious, anyway). There’s a condition I learned about in Italy where a person can actually come down with a sense of being overwhelmed while viewing too much artwork; eventually they need to take a break, and cleanse their mental palette. I would argue there is a similar affliction for people when viewing a slew of women in tight cocktail dresses and shiny heels all clutching glasses of wine and sizing each other up. After a while, THEY all looked alike, and I had to cleanse my mental palette by visiting the appetizer tables.
Buenos Aires Café offered spicy bratwurst bites, while Jasper’s actually came over and offered us plates of an ahi tuna appetizer. The lines for the bar were long, but provided a great place to see and be seen. The only caveat to the free Grey Goose cocktails was that you only had two options: A drink made with the «Cherry Noir» or the «Frenchy», made with «La Poire». Melissa A. and I put our smarty pants caps on and ordered two each, ostensibly for other ladies at the table, but mostly because we didn’t want to wait in line again.
Finally, it was time for the auction. We were joined by the lovely Monica O., which was a pleasant surprise. After thumbing through the magazine and sizing up the guys, I leaned over and told Melissa that my only hope for this outcome was that the ladies who won would be the older, monied types, where there would be less of a chance of any actual hanky-​panky on the date. I figured I’d be less jealous than if some of the guys I liked ended up with a girl my age. From then on, every time a bid came in from a woman I had described, Melissa gave me a thumbs up. Excellent.
The hostess was a former Miss Texas something or other, but I just called her Skinny Minnie. The guys certainly knew how to strut their stuff, and eventually the booze kicked in and the real bids started pouring in. My favorite guy worked for Gov. Perry… of course. One of Jessie’s gay friends was also at the table, and I figured nothing would amuse us more than bidding on the Republican. I was the first to bid, but my partner in crime ratcheted it up to $ 700. You know what was worth 100x the ticket price? Seeing that dude AND Skinny Minnie absolutely TERRIFIED the highest bid might actually come from a guy. To homeboy’s relief, his chick came in with $ 1000. (Later, I talked with him briefly and found out he’s actually a real nice guy. And his suit was Versace.) The cover bachelor, a foxy older gentleman, fetched the most at $ 2000. Bonus: The personal trainer guy took his shirt off for $ 600. I had said if there wasn’t a Magic Mike-​inspired performance I’d be disappointed. Clearly, I wasn’t.
Melissa and I ended the night jamming to the live music of Soul Track Minds, and dancing to the tunes of DJ Johnny Bravo. Specifically, «I Want To Dance With Somebody», and «You Make My Dreams» by Hall & Oates (featured in the cute «I just got laid» dance sequence in (500) Days of Summer featuring my current celebrity crush, Joseph Gordon-​Levitt). Needless to say, I wouldn’t have wanted to dance in the middle of the museum to anything else but that. It was perfect.
This was a wonderful evening, spent at a well-​planned event, all for a worthy cause. They proved that not all Austin bachelors are dogs… and that I’m still kind of a bitch.
5 Stars.