Sweet Debbie’s Organic Cupcakes

«What an almost incomprehensible failure,» said my companion in cupcakes, when we ACTUALLY ATE THE PRODUCT (yes, this is the first non-​fake review). After reading all the drama surrounding Sweet Debbie’s and Unilocal,I wanted the baked goods to be delicious and everything to be just a stupid misunderstanding… but that didn’t happen.
To be sure, Debbie was really nice on the phone, and our order arrived in a gift bag on my friend’s doorstep! But that’s really where the compliments end. I’d ordered $ 20 of stuff to qualify for delivery, and because I don’t have any other vices I occasionally throw some money at baked goods. We had a chance to try all sorts of stuff. Some of it was fine: the chocolate/​chocolate cookie was decent, although not mind-​boggling and with a confusing hint of coffee, and the dark chocolate brownie was tasty, although it was the frosting that gave it the chocolate flavor. The chocolate chip cookie wasn’t baked all the way through, the black and white cookie’s white icing was gooey and vaguely spicy/​lemony when it shouldn’t have been, and the peanut butter brownie was oily and not particularly memorable.
My main concern, as exemplified by one of my Unilocal lists, is cupcakes, and this is where Debbie’s fails most miserably. A $ 3.50 cupcake should be big and fancy, whereas these were very small as well as icky-​looking, nothing like the pictures on Debbie’s website. We refrigerated the vanilla and mocha cupcakes because the frosting looked melty; it wasn’t really frosting so much as homemade marshmallow whip, which was ok, but isn’t frosting, plus it had a bad consistency and left my teeth feeling funny. The Vivid Vanilla cupcake was, according to the website, filled with custard, but in the fridge the filling had turned so hard I couldn’t cut through it, and the cake crumbled around it. We didn’t taste a bit of vanilla, just a lemony tang.
The Strawberry Cheesecake cupcake was a sad little thing: a bit of baked cream cheese topping an inch of dense, sodden cake and strawberry, soaking through the wrapper and with the consistency of blended cottage cheese. I actually spit this one out. I have never, EVER bought something this disgusting, nor would I dream of paying $ 3.50 for it. My friend thought perhaps Debbie had gotten creative, trying to combine cheesecake and cupcake, but this resembled neither, nor did it come close to resembling the beautiful picture on her website and Unilocal.
My pal is positive the Mocha Italian Espresso cupcake was much worse. Had espresso been soaked into the top of the cake? It was bitter and disgusting. The cake was spongy and rubbery, bitter throughout but not as bad as the top. A bit of decorative mocha frosting had melted into the marshmallow frosting. We came nowhere close to finishing, and instead had to go eat something else after a few nibbles to get the flavor out of our mouths.
Drama or no drama, the product speaks more for itself than anyone’s fake reviews possibly could, and these cupcakes were easily the worst I’ve ever had. Incidentally, they did not cause diarrhea.

No stars for this, damn it. Aren’t these the cupcakes we had at the Holiday bash? The shit that interupted my drinking and sent my ass home? They weren’t memorable as I had to be reminded that I actually bit into one of those bastards! I was not impressed by the sugary shit and less inpressed that someone needs to write fake reviews to get business.
Face it… your cupcakes blow and suck.
Ooops! That would actually be a good thing.
Your cupcakes are weak, your marketing scheme… even weaker.